But You Are: Postmortem

But You Are » Devlog
3 days ago by Norbez Jones (call me Bez) (@NorbezJones)
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In late April, I participated Velox Formido 2 . Why? Because the theme was perfect for letting out some venty feelings. đź’”

(This postmortem has the same CWs as the game.  You have been warned.)

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The main theme/cycle of the game, thinking that you are as bad as those who abused you, is likely familiar to those who have suffered parental abuse. Just when you think you’re going up in your recovery, something happens that makes you crash down. The game is me in that crash.

[alt text: a screenshot of But You Are. It is a black background with white text over it. The text reads, “You are everything they did to you. Every shout & threat.”]

It’s not meant to be the truth, but to capture my feelings within the crash.  They are things I thought were the truth once, before my recovery really got started 10 years ago.  But now, I can distinguish between who I am as a person, and the lies my fucked-up brain comes up with.

[alt text: a screenshot of But You Are. It shows red pixelated grass and white text that reads, “You are built upon the foundation of abuse, and no matter how much you try to run away from that, that will always be where you came from.” The background is pitch black.]

Childhood abuse literally changes your brain chemistry. It ruined me, and it was up to me to clean the inner mess. There was a layer around my true self, one formed by the things I’d experienced. It felt impossible to distinguish from who I was within all of that.

[alt text: a screenshot of But You Are. Above the black background are tiny red shards, shattered pieces. Above that is white text that reads, “How do you fix a shattered soul? How do you put the pieces back together, when you’ve known those pieces as YOU all of your life?”]

Like I said, I’ve been in recovery for 10 years, since 2015.  Recovery is a process that never ends; it’s continuous.  Some people may find that dour or unfortunate.  For me, it just is what it is.  I can always be stronger, be a better man.  So I will do this to be my best self.

[alt text: a screenshot of But You Are. Above the black background is a glass heart. Above that is white text that reads, “It takes years. Many years. You grow. You put the pieces together slowly, trying not to slice your heart as you go.”]

What caused the creation of But You Are was the loss of a friendship. I thought they left b/c of some things people said about me, though I don’t know what those things are. That made me spiral, and in those moments, I question why I got this far just for these things to happen.

[alt text: a screenshot of But You Are. The white text over a black background simply reads, “Why?”]

When I don’t know who to blame, I blame myself, so I thought something within me must be wrong.  Now, of course, I know that my former friend’s reasons are their own, and I will never know for sure why our friendship ended.  That I am doing my best, and all I can do is move forward.

[alt text: a screenshot of But You Are. Above the black background is the red outline of a brain, warped & shifted. Above that is white text that reads, “You wish you knew what or who to blame. So since you don’t know anyone else to blame, all you can blame is yourself.”]

I am not who my parents were to me.  I know I TRULY am not them.  But sometimes, in my worst moments, I believe I am the same kind of awful.  In my best moments, I never think such a thing.

-- fin

[alt text: a screenshot of But You Are. The white text over a black background simply reads, “You’re not them.”]

P.S. I do want to make a note that the game is referring to my parents as they were during my childhood.  My dad has actually made a big change; he apologized to me for his part in the abuse, and we talked about it a lot in therapy.  I have a great relationship with him now. 

Just shows it’s never too late for someone to change.

But You Are

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